Forgive and forget…we hear this and expect it to be true. That we can forgive someone and move on. That we’ll never have to face that hurt, the betrayal or the emotions that caused our hurt and anger in the first place. In my life I’ve found that not to be the case. Forgiveness is a continual process. It takes work. You can forgive someone, understand they have human frailties and still be hurt. Forgiveness isn’t a magical act that takes away the memories or the pain. Forgiveness simply means that you understand they are human and you don’t expect anything more from them. Forgiveness means that you’re letting the injury go, that you are opening up the door to maybe trust them again. But it doesn’t mean you will automatically trust them again just because you have forgiven how they have hurt you. It doesn’t mean that everything is magically ok now. Forgiveness is a work in progress. Forgiveness takes time and sometimes you have to re-forgive them a hundred times as you work out the issues their betrayal caused. You may need to forgive them again and again as you work past the hurt because, like them, you are only human. Emotional injuries, like all injuries need time to heal. Forgiveness in the beginning is the bandage needed to allow the heart to heal.

Forgiveness isn’t magic, forgiveness is work. I’ve been hurt and I’ve forgiven those who have injured my heart. I understand why they did what they did, I can understand and even empathize and still I hurt. Forgiveness doesn’t heal the wounds, it simply means your letting go and moving on, that you’re not pursuing revenge, or trying to ‘get even’.

I’ve forgiven my sister for hurting me, for betraying me and stealing years of my life. I’ve forgiven her and still, I hate that bitch.

A contradiction, huh? Not really. I understand and empathize with her. I understand the trauma and injuries in her life that formed her. I can even see her position, but that doesn’t take away the pain. I can forgive her for hurting me, understanding where she came from and why she felt she had to. I’ve forgiven her, but until she seeks absolution, until the person who broke your heart or betrayed you seeks you out for absolution and forgiveness, the issue is never fully closed.

Forgiveness isn’t closure, forgiveness just means you’re letting the wound heal and not picking at it and letting get infected. Let the wound heal. You’ll have a scar, but soon the pain recedes and it becomes a memory.

Time and forgiveness heals all wounds. Someday the pain in my heart will also fully heal. I’ll never trust my sister again, but I won’t hate her, I won’t feel anything for her. I’ll be able to look back at our memories together, the good ones and feel fondness. Remember who she used to be and accept who she became. The scar will be there, but the hate and hurt won’t be.

Until then I’ll take it one day at a time, forgiving her as I continue to heal and grow.

Until next time,

L