Not all villains are obvious. Sometimes they are inside us, lying in wait. Sometimes they hide right behind the eyes of the ones we love most.
To say I was innocent would not have been a lie, but to say I was blameless would be. By choice I trusted, by choice I let myself believe. By choice I am here, perhaps I was always meant to be. The villain did not lurk inside my soul, but I am the one who let her in.
She was supposed to love me, she was supposed to protect me. She did not. Now we stand, enemies when once we were sisters, enemies, my truth and duty against her hate. There will be no winner here this day, just an end to this endless war.
Line in the sand, the battle is at hand. I am prepared, with charms and shield to face my foe. When night falls, if I am still alive, the war will be done. Around my neck is an amulet of who I am today so I will remember as I face my past and the villain I have created.
I am a coward and so afraid, yet I faced the dragons that she unleashed on me. I trembled inside, wanted to weep and run, but held my ground. Truth is not a shield or a sword, but it is right and though I may not have won, my soul remains bright, remains mine. The battle is done, this coward stood her ground, spoke the truth and did not run. The final battle has been fought, I am done, but not broken, I stood and the dragons without anger, malice or hate. I faced them with truth and love and someday perhaps I will face her with forgiveness and not just pity.
The battle is done, the war is won, I am done and can set aside my shields to finally embrace peace.
In the beginning before the Universe, before Light, before Dark, before Life and before Death was the Source. In the great void of infinity the Source became restless and from itself, from all that was Darkness it created Ahiloban, goddess, darkness, divine. To serve her and to serve the Source the Elohim were created, twelve to govern the houses of the Universe yet unborn, to serve and to watch. For time beyond time all was as it should be. Ahiloban was beloved, child of the Source and she was content.
But in all things there must be balance and with an explosion of energy and Life and Light the Universe was born and with it, Shamshiel, child of the Source, the personification of all that was Light. He was the other half of Ahiloban but she did not embrace her brother. She envied him the Light, never understanding that without Darkness there could be no Light and without Light she could not exist. In her jealousy she stripped him of his powers because he was young, an innocent, an infant, and bound him. She hid him from the Source, diminishing him until all believed him nothing more than another Elohim, made to serve her, to serve the Source. The Source wept at his loss, but believed the lie of the first of it’s children. Safe in her lie Ahiloban wrapped the night, like a blanket of Darkness over the newborn Light and took him to her lover, the Elohim Ezrael to raise and control, never telling her what he was though she suspected for she was wise. But like her she feared this new being of immense powers and agreed to keep him hidden from the Source and from his true nature. Rid of him she was once more the only beloved of the Source. She was content to rule now over the entirety of Light and Dark.
Shamshiel was taken to the Court of the Watchers and there his powers were bound as he was placed in submission to Ezrael. But his powers were beyond all imaginings and in a moment of pure creation he created an entire world on which the elements of life were gifted. Frightened at the power this singular being could wield, Ezrael took him deep into the farthest reaches of the Universe, leaving the Earth, the world of his creation unguarded, uncared for. Ahiloban, curious if she too could create life took the elements of the Universe, the gifts within herself of the Source and created God, Yahweh, a creature of Life and Light. But in the moment of his creation, to the horror of Ahiloban another being came into existence, this one the embodiment of Darkness, of Death. It was Azazel, the Reaper, at whose hand even God would be mortal. Again Ahiloban did not understand that where there is Light there is Darkness, where there is Life there is Death, for these are the two sides, the Balance of Creation, the Balance that only the Source can fully understand.
Ahiloban was pleased with Yahweh, and took him to be her lover, gifting him the world that had been Shamshiel’s creation. Over this God would rule and together they spent millennia tending, watching and shaping the evolution of the life Shamshiel had birthed. The first lives were insignificant, boring and so God and Ahiloban came together and from their union they created Talis, a being of immense light and power and with him, his twin, Lucifer. Talis they called the Evening Star and Lucifer, the younger, the brightest, they called the MorningStar. These were the first of the angels, the first of all they would create. They were created to serve and worship. Again Darkness came with the Light and Ahiloban pushed forth not only the twins of Light, but one of Darkness, Errant, the first of the Daemos, into whom all sin and blame should dwell. He was given wings and bright fangs and in her disgust at the Darkness she could not escape, Ahiloban placed upon him the curse of evil and sin. And as Errant was birthed, a part of the Shadow dripped the heavens and fell to earth. There it formed the Serpent, a creature made from the vileness that Ahiloban had meant to place into Errant’s heart. From the earth the Serpent looked up and he coveted what his brothers had been given. And that envy grew into hate for those who had created him. He vowed with all the Darkness inside of him to one day kill his creators and take into himself all the power of Life and Creation.
The sons of God, of Ahiloban were given unto the Earth. Not to rule, but to serve. The twin stars were placed above the world, to serve and guide. Look up to these stars my children and see now shines only one. Too long has the brightest fallen, the night empty now with his loss. Alone his brother stands, steadfast against the Dark.
For another millions lifetimes Ahiloban and her consort amused themselves watching life begin on earth and by pitting their sons against one another. But as was His nature God became bored and from Ahiloban he pulled the essence of her powers and created beings of his own, those who would serve only him. They were rough in form and would take millennia to become what he wanted. But in those moments he seeded dissent and anger, he violated his creator and sowed the first seeds of her endless rage. On earth life flourished, growing, evolving at His will until a new creature began to walk the earth and caught His interest. With rapt attention He watched as hominids grew into humans and they pleased Him on their growth. But soon He became impatient with the pace of their evolution and He sent them down intelligence, gave them creative and clever minds.
Angry that God would take from her, create something without her Ahiloban created more creatures of her own, Behemoth and Leviathan, those creatures that were fated to bring the end of all things. She spun life with her anger, using shadow and shunning the light from which she was not formed and created other creatures, the demoness Lilith for her son Errant to love and to create life with, (name of Werewolf) the first werebeast, (name of dragon) the first of the Drakes and (name of faery) the first of the fey. From these creatures new races would grow, races that fed on God’s precious humans, the creatures she so dispised.
Fearing for the lives of his newest creation God took strength and life from Talis and from his drew out the very first of the Choirs of Angels, the Powers. These power and ruthless warriors he sent to earth to protect his creations from those Ahiloban had sent against them.
Furious that God would send these dark hunters after her children she sent a plague of ice to the world, believing it would kill off the life God had created against her will. Much of the planet died, but the earth that Shamshiel had created was magnificent and continued to evolve and on it life survived, the demonkind, the hominids, the children of Ahiloban and the animals that had evolved from the life given by Shamshiel. Life continued and growing bored once more God sent a new thread into his hominids and from them came the ancestors of modern man. Disgusted by his attentions to these humans, Ahiloban left her consort, going into the court of the watchers and there taking lovers among them. Alone in Heaven God studied the beings he had created with Ahiloban at his side and found he feared them, for they were powerful and could one day take from him the power he now coveted, the power he wanted to take from his creator. Fearing her, fearing the children they had made he stole from her sons the memory of who she was, taking from them the memories of their celestial mother and making them believe only HE was their creation. Lucifer and Errant easily forgot, but in Talis, as the first born, there was too much strength for him to forget, and more, God feared that one day his son would seek to take from him as he now sought to take from Ahiloban. Following his fear he pulled from Talis the rest of the Choirs, seeking to diminish him, to lessen his powers so that he would always remain loyal, always remain subservient to him.
Ahiloban returned to find that none of her sons remembered her, returned to find God had created an army of angels to serve him. In her anger she granted his humans freewill so he would learn what it was like to have a creation that did not obey, that did not serve. Looking down on all of thise the Source granted these creatures, these humans, the most precious of gifts, something that God could not control, that not even Ahiloban could claim, souls. They were given this great gift and placed on the Path to Enlightenment. And for them the Source created the Void and the Pit to help guide them on their place, to help teach them the lessons they would need to evolve past the flaws of their creators.
Over these creatures, now flawed, but now the more precious for their souls, God placed his angels. It was they who watched as life was born from the seeds God had planted long ago. It was they who watched as man took his first steps and spread across the globe. They watched and they served and God was pleased by all he had wrought. Beside him in heaven Ahiloban seethed, wanting her revenge. She began to have her fears that God sought more than just power of his creations and she created the TrueGuard, Daemos born of pure Illumination to help protect her from the Choirs of his Angels. The TrueGuard stood beside her throne and would protect her from any angelica assassin he might send to attack her.
Upon the earth the Serpent grew restless and urged on by Ahiloban found a young Daemos, Chaos the first born of Errant and Lilith, playing down among the humans. He quickly possessed him in a cloud of Shadow and Darkness and rode him up to heaven where Daemos played and lived among the Choirs. There he set about on his endeavor to destroy the one who gave him birth aided by the whispers of the goddess Ahiloban. The Serpent sought out the one known as Lucifer, curling up around him like a dank fog, possessing him, and whispered in his ear, “Why should the humans be so blessed? Why should their will be their own? Why should you, the first of God’s creations prostrate yourself before them?” With his words the Serpent planted the seeds of discontent and rebellion in the heart the brightest angel. Lucifer approached his God and begged for the same love given so easily, so freely to the humans who were born of nothing more than mud, while he and his kind were born from the stars and the breath of Ahiloban and God. Furious that Lucifer should question the laws he had branded into the Spirits of each of his angels God refused and in rage, fueled by the whipsers of the Serpent that possessed him, Lucifer rebelled against his God and many angels joined him.
Enraged God ordered Talis to destroy his brother and thus the First War began. Many angels died and in the middle of the conflict, though innocent of any deceit, the Daemos were murdered. Blood flowed through all of heaven as brother killed brother and sister murdered sister. At long last Talis defeated his brother, but as Lucifer lay at his feet, he could not make himself slay his twin. He would not do this, even though his God, his father had demanded it. He refused and God was sorely displeased with his disobedience and he struck down his very first creation and threw him into the Pit where he would be tortured and suffer for all eternity. God turned upon Lucifer and cast him and all of his followers out of heaven where they fell to earth in the shower fire.
The Morning Star fell because of a single lie. For a single whisper he was damned. It was but a single seed of rebellion that took root in the heart of him. It bloomed into war and blood flowed like water raining down upon the earth. The heavens wept while stars died. Angels turned from the will of God and were cast down, sent far from his glory to live no more in His Light.
Cast far from Heaven, Lucifer fell to Earth where he lay for nine days, suffering from the wounds his brother had given him and mourning the loss of his God and his home. Mourning the loss of his brother, knowing that his brother would be punished for his sins. When he could rise up once more he begged God for the freedom of his brother, but God would not heed his call. God looked upon His creations, angry that his Firsts had so fallen. Like a shadow they spread across the land and in his rage he cast all Darkness from the Heavens. Like a thorn he plucked out the Daemos and scattered them across the Earth. Cast down was Errant, first born from the Darkness, and all of his children. Into him all sin shall flow, in him all sin shall be found. His progeny shall overflow the earth and shall mingle with the children of men. Pity him all ye peoples, pity him for his birth. Pity him for redemption shall not be his, nor shall it be offered to those from him that were born.
In his rage God murdered the TrueGuard that served around Ahiloban’s throne because they reminded him of the sons he had lost. The last TrueGuard, a female, pregnant and afraid escaped from the Citadel with the help of the Virtue Vision, she escaped into the Verge, into the Lost Forest and there all believed she would die, alone. Enraged at God’s destruction of her TrueGuard Ahiloban left God to wander the earth in earthly form, many of God’s humans turned to her, began to worship her and so the DeaServus were formed to serve only her.
Then Shamshiel the Elohim, the Watcher of the Sun, took mercy upon Lucifer, took mercy upon Talis who had not been able to kill the brother that he loved. He freed Talis and set him back into the heavens though it cost him, as his master Ezrael was sorely displeased. For his actions Shamshiel was bound for 5,000 years in the heart the sun. Alone, in silence and in darkness, driven mad by his solitude.
Talis, released from the Pit, returned to humbly serve his God, scared to ever displease him again.
Ezrael saw how much horror the battle in the heavens had caused and she created the Gate, to which there would be only one Key. A Key in which she placed inside of herself. Through the Gate only the Pure angels, the ones who had obeyed their God, and only the souls of the humans as they followed the cycle of birth, death, rebirth, were able to pass.
Beneath the sun the Serpent crept, always looking heavenward, desperate to return and take his place upon the throne.
On earth the Serpent found his way back into heaven, in the heart of an honorable and righteous man, one that pleased God in his purity. The serpent possessed this man, this servent of God, Enoch, and when God granted Enoch a place in heaven as Metatron, the highest of his house, the very voice of God, the Serpent was the one given that honor.
Upon the earth the DownCast angels walked among man, taking unto them wives of the daughters of man. And to them were born the Nephlim and they became the heroes of old. Peace lay among the heavens and for time ruled the earth. (God fears the Nephilim because they are angels with Souls. God orders them to be murdered and Ahiloban sets up a way to steal them for her own use. Dark Nephilim do NOT have souls, but Light Nephilim do.)
In heaven, with Metatron whispering his lies, set on taking God’s throne and creation from him, God began to fear Ahiloban more, began to desire and covet her world and creations. He no longer wanted to share the glory of creation with her. With the help of his angels, with the help of the Elohim who had also begun to fear Ahiloban and her powers, God bound her and locked her deep into the heart of the very earth she had ruled and protected for so long. Using the life and power of her own creation, Leviathan, God locked her away beneath the sixty six seals held inside the very soul of Leviathan and his twin, Behemoth. As the Elohim drug him deep beneath the waves, bound him in the deepest, darkest trenches of the earth, in silence and in cold, in darkness and despair, the thrashings of his immense body sent a tidal flood that washed over all the earth. Killing many of God’s and Ahiloban’s creations. Few remained alive to repopulate the world. It was Talis who drove the last of the chains into place, proving his loyalty once and for all to his God. (The key to Leviathan’s chains is bound to God’s life force.)
In heaven Metatron sought to gain control over the Gate between worlds, a way to free himself to travel to the other realms and to gain dominion over God. He attacked the Elohim Ezrael, killing her. As Ezrael died she fled to earth and there passed the precious Key into a mortal vessel, there to remain out of reach from Metatron who could not pass through the Gate to Earth. There the Key took on human form and through the centuries was passed, mother to child until a dark angel took the human Key and placed inside of her a child born of the Sangrael and of Darkness. She was born a ShadowGate, a creature wholly unique. In her was the power over the Gate that none, not even the Elohim Ezrael had possessed, for inside her was a human soul, inside her was the Shadow and the Light, and more she possessed the gift of freewill.
Category: Fiction, Writing Blog |
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There’s this giant elephant in the room, dark gray like a storm cloud that we’re all afraid to look at. It’s there and no, I’m not talking about the Coronavirus that has us all locked down on “voluntary” house arrest. I’m talking about the fear. The fear of an enemy none of us can see, that none of us can fight. We talk of this disease, we send warnings, we beg people to do their part to “flatten the curve” and stay the F%CK at home. But we don’t always talk about the fear we are all living in from day to day. Not the fear that we might die, that those we love might die. Not the fear of where we’re going to come up with rent money, food money. Hell, not even that strange and random fear some people have that they will run out of toilet paper. I’m talking about the fear of what happens next. The one thing we’re all afraid to admit: that we’ll never go back to normal. The fear that EVERYTHING has changed.
It has.
We want to go back to the way things were, want to visit our favorite restaurant again, want to not be afraid of strangers on the street. We want to go back to normal. But our normal is gone. Nothing will EVER be as it was. This is changing EVERYTHING. And it should. We’ve lived too long ignoring our connection to each other, our connection to this planet. We can’t deny that anymore. All of us, everything human on this planet, is connected through this single fear. We aren’t alone in this and we aren’t alone in facing what’s coming next. We’ve seen some amazing things these past few weeks. We’ve seen heroes and we’ve seen some really disgusting lows in human behavior. More we’ve all been faced with our mortality, with how fragile our lives and society really are. Do you really think you can just go back to work, back to life as if nothing happened? All of us are being affected by this, all of us are being CHANGED by this. It’s my hope that it’s a change for the better.
I don’t know how it’s going to change. I can’t see the future, but one thing I know is our government is going to change, our laws, how we handle crisis, is going to change. Financially many of us will be crippled, but more as a nation we’ve been irrevocably affected and we’re all going to feel it. Nothing is ever going back to normal and I just want to tell you: That’s ok. It’s called evolution. It’s what has kept us as a species from dying out a long time ago. Growth, change, hurts. But it’s ok. Because we’re not in this alone.
There is a deep
black void inside of me
All I want is to escape and be free
Like tar it clings and pulls me down
Drawing me deep to make me drown
The black is alive and spreading from my core
Up my arms consuming ever more
Like a poison in my veins
It sucks away life to leave it’s stain
The fight is going out of me
Making me want to just drift in this dark sea
Let the ink come over my head
Never wake again because I am dead
I’m tired of being ruled by fear. The fear of failing. The
fear of dying. The fear of not having enough money. The fear I won’t be able to
pay next month’s rent. The fear of what happens next with the world in chaos
all around me. The fear I’ll always be fat. The fear that I’ll always be alone.
The fear of…EVERYTHING.
We live in a world filled by fear. Fear stimulated by
ignorance, by an overwhelming belief that we are helpless. We feel immobile and
impotent, unable to chance anything in our lives. We feel trapped. We are a
nation of traumatized children scared we will never escape an abusive parent.
Our fear is fed by the media and by our community online that thrives on
sensationalism. Instead of sending hope and encouragement we spread more fear.
And panic like a disease runs through us, showing the next generation there is
no hope, no chance for escape or redemption.
I’m so tired of being afraid. I was raised fearing the
Rapture, the end of days and the return of God. I was raised fearing everything
because it might have been a sin. I made me afraid of my own sexuality, of
other cultures and religions. My mom was a woman who lived in fear and she
passed that on to us. She cloistered us close and taught us to fear the outside
world, a world filled with sin and scary people. People who would mock and
judge or worse lead me into sin and finally into Hell.
I’m so tired of being afraid.
It surrounds me on all sides, a gray and looming monster who
whispers lies so I cannot see the truth, I can’t see past the dark to how I can
move forward, to how I am SAFE right now.
The world is polluted, but we can fix it if we try. Maybe
not completely, but enough for it to heal itself with time and love. There are
diseases, poverty, war…but we can stop those too. If we stop listening to the
lies of fear, if we pull together and take one tiny step at a time, make one
positive change each day, we can chance the world. We can improve our lives. We
can defeat the monster that is fear.
We can stop fear.
I’m so tired of being afraid.
So I’m going to stop feeding the monster. I’m going to stop
being afraid.
Angel’s Gate is only 8 months away. 8 months from now and I get to share the first of the ShadowGate with the world. 8 months….feels like a lifetime away. I know you’re anxious to finally have a chance to read Angel’s Gate, so here’s the first 500 words to hold you over for a while.
“Life wasn’t supposed to move this fast. From birth to death
so quickly. It was all too fast, too…over. So many words had been left
unspoken, so many questions still unasked. So many things still unresolved
between them, but now…now there was no more time. One sentence…one sentence had
changed her life, shattered everything. Four words, one death and everything
she had worked so hard to achieve seemed worthless.
Your mother is dead.
For AG Morris those words had stolen everything.
Four words and here she stood waiting for a flight to take
her back to the one place she had never wanted to return. A flight that would
take her home. Home…no…no, it wasn’t home. Not now. Her mother was gone.
Around her was movement, life, sound. Laughter. There
shouldn’t have been laughter. Shouldn’t the world have stopped along with her
own grief? The weight inside of her seemed to expand, compressing her lungs
until she felt she couldn’t breathe. The grief was so huge it should have
compressed the entire world. But it didn’t. The pain was only inside of her.
The loss was only inside of her.
She wished those words could be erased from her mind, that
they could be taken back. That she could return to that morning when everything
was alright. When it mattered that the sun was shining, that she was breathing.
The words didn’t fade, they didn’t go away.
So much time had been lost, there were so many things she
had meant to say. So many apologies she had meant to make. Now she would never
be able to apologize for words once spoken in anger. She would never be able to
close the gap they had both pretended wasn’t there. She would never be able to
forgive her mother for the abnormal childhood she had lived. She would never be
able to ask why. Why an intelligent woman would carve spells into the window
sills to ward off demons and to bind angels. She would never know now why her
mother had hated her father so much that she had never even whispered his name.
Your mother is dead.
AG closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the
wall. The waiting area near the terminal gate was over crowded. There were no
open seats, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care that she was sitting on the
floor, shoved into a corner between a stroller with a cranky two year old and
an early twenty something that smelled like weed. All she wanted was to turn
back time. She would have done anything to be at home, in her own house, in her
own bed, and not there. Anything.
She opened her eyes slowly, hugging her knees. She watched a
pair of teenagers walk across the terminal, heads bowed over their smart
phones, but she wasn’t really seeing them. She wasn’t seeing anything. She was
just…waiting. Waiting for her flight and waiting to wake up from what she knew
wasn’t a dream. She was just…” – Angel’s Gate by L. Becker