Misc Writing – Page 2

Imposter Syndrome

It’s been two months since I finished my last book. Two months in which I went through the usual ups and downs, the weird paranoid panic that I may never write again. That maybe this time the magic won’t come back and I’ll never finish another book.

You would think after writing forty six novels I’d be over that paranoia, but I’m not. I mean, it’s a little less vibrant of a worry inside of me, but the worry is still there. It still sneaks in a few weeks into the lull between books. The sly little whisper that says, “That was the last one. It was all a fluke, a onetime deal and now that magic is gone.” Of course now that I’m a mature woman I can tell that little voice to fuck off, that of course I’ll write the next story, but it just laughs, a little knowingly, a lot mean. Like it knows something I don’t, that it knows I’ve only been lucky this far.

This time the Imposter Syndrome has more ammo, new and shiny ammo that it can lob at me like a wet blanket grenade, effectively smothering the joy I feel when I finish a new story. It’s very happy with this new weapon, and turns it on me quite effectively mere days after I write “The End”. This time it says, “Yeah, you might write again, but will you be able to write the next book in the series? Will you be able to finish THIS story? Finish this series that you somehow know is going to be your life’s work? Finish this series that this is the story you were meant to tell from the very first moment you put ink to paper at seven?”

It’s an evil bastard, this Imposter Syndrome, and it takes up residence in the heart of everyone at some point in their life. It is especially fond of kicking you right at the height of your triumph, snatching away those golden moments. It revels and grows within our own self-doubt. And I’ve learned it never goes away, no matter how confident you may become, no matter how successful and skilled you might be.

But it can be caged. It can be silenced and pushed aside to sulk in the corner of your mind.

How you ask?

By pushing through, by starting that next book, that next project, by reminding yourself that it thrives on lies. That it doesn’t know you and that you’re not going to fail, because you’re not done yet. You’re just getting better from here.

How do I know this?

Because I just started DownCast Angel, Book 5 of my ShadowGate Series. The one it said I would never start.

It lies.

I don’t.

Until next time keep writing, keep dreaming, and cage that little bastard,

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October 10

What do I Write Now?

It’s been a month since I’ve written….ok, over a month, five weeks to be exact. A small vacation, a victory lap to celebrate those two special words, “The End”. Words that you only get to write after the long journey from Chapter One to the very last word. This last journey only took me seven months to complete. Not as long as some stories have taken me, not as short as the one before this one. A good journey and I’m very happy with the story I told.

But for five weeks I haven’t written. For most of that time I didn’t even try. But then I did try and it seemed the universe conspired against me, keeping me AFK against my wishes. For the first few weeks that was fine. I didn’t want to jump into another story, I wasn’t looking for a rebound tale to keep me going. I was satisfied, fully sated and ready to enjoy some much earned down time.

But that was over two weeks ago. The contentment has faded and the need is growing. The need to write, to put down on paper the multitude of words congested inside my mind. Now comes the restlessness, the growing sense of discontent. And I began searching for the next story, the one that needed to be written, the one that wanted to be written.

Sometimes I know exactly which story I’m going to write. It’s already ready and waiting when I write those last two words. The moment “The End” is written the new story is ready to go, the words already lined up for me and I am merely their scribe.

Not this time. This time the story remains elusive, even as the need to write grows, making me more edgy and itchy inside.

I thought I could simply step back into the world of the ShadowGate, begin book five. After all it’s already plotted, scene by scene. I know the characters by heart. I love all them and would love to spend some more time in their world. But the words aren’t there. I can’t find Nomad’s voice, or Becca’s motivation and so book five, DownCast Angel, remains unwritten.

What book then? Which world do I step inside? Do I skip ahead in the series? Jump to book six? Do I finally unearth Revelation and write it at long last? Or do I do what I always do? Open up the folder that holds all the beginnings, all those partially written stories that were rebounds, the never held me long enough to reach the end. Will this be their time? Is it time to finally finish one of them?

Where do I want to journey this time? Into the past? Into the future? Do I want fantasy or realism? Do I go back and finish the nightmare inspired “The Tower”? Do I begin the Sun God Trilogy?

Or will I finally finish “Confess”?

We’ll see…

Until next time,

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September 17

I found my best friend…

You ever meet that one person you know you’re supposed to be friends with? That’s the way it was for me when I met Lily. She’s my best friend, as close to me as a sister. She knows me better than almost anyone else and she’s the person I play with the most. We are similar in many ways, but mostly it’s our differences that make our friendship so strong.

At first glance you wouldn’t think we’d be friends, for one we’re 13 years apart in age. I’m a crusty – Fabulous – 41 year old woman, she’s just now 28 years old. She’s always climbing up trees, or creating some amazing piece of art work, a truly free and creative spirit that brings joy into everything that she does. I’m a somewhat conservative business owner who’s carrying some fluff. But those differences really don’t keep us apart.

She gets me to be free, to laugh and play and be the big dork I really am. She embraces all my nerdiness and encourages me to just be me. She’s taught me that growing older doesn’t mean I have to grow up.

With me she’s learning how to be an adult. All that boring and yet necessary stuff that it takes to build your own fempire.

Through her I’ve found the encouragement to finally reveal the ShadowGate to the world. She’s always in my corner, pushing me out of my shy little shell.

I love this woman with all my heart and can honestly see us being friends until the day we die.

We do fight, and argue and get our feelings hurt, but more than that we are safe enough with each other to do those things. To get hurt and then tell the other person, “hey, I’m hurt” and know that we will be validated. That we’ll talk it out and be better for it.

She’s like a little sister, sometimes spoiled and frustrating, and I know I certainly try her patience from time to time. But I know when it really comes down to it she has my back through it all.

She’s supported me through the good and the bad and she didn’t turn her back on me when I went through the most profound and life changing experience a person can go through. Instead of trying to force me to stay in the mold of who I used to be, she’s allowed me to grow and because the woman I am, with the understanding that there’s more growth in my future.

Lily’s my best friend and she’s as weird as I am. Don’t believe me? Watch the video.

Until next time,

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August 27

I know you all feel it….

I know you all feel it. That we are living in some kind of fantasy. None of this seems real. In fact it seems like the plot of some dystopian future, or rather the backstory of one. I know for myself this doesn’t seem real. We’re prisoners in our own world, prisoners and banished from our very lives. Is this how others have felt through history when they find themselves in unprecedented times? Does anyone else feel how bizarre this all is? Does anyone else feel guilty that they’re not doing more? Guilty for any moment where you’re happy and not feeling terrified? Is it just me? Am I alone in this? I don’t think so. I think we are all struggling to accept that THIS is reality. That it’s not a dream, not a story. That the lights aren’t going to go on and we find ourselves sitting in a movie theater. This is real. I know it doesn’t feel that way.

Each day I wake up and think what next? What new fear, new threat is going to rise up and strike out at my security and sanity? When can I go back to my life? When can I be me again? When will I be safe? So much of “reality” has been peeled away to reveal that we’ve been living a safe and happy lie. So many things laid bare into a sudden and stark light and we can no longer look away and pretend. We can’t pretend that racism is not real. That sexism and hate are not rampant in our country. That we are not being torn apart by differing beliefs. That we are a country at war with itself.

I want to just close my eyes and wish it all away. I can’t.

We’re all waiting to wake up, waiting to go back to our “real” life. Back to the “before time”. But we’re NOT ever going to. We’re not WAITING to live again. This isn’t a momentary pause in our lives. We are STILL alive, STILL living. Everything we do shouldn’t be about when we get to “live” again, but about how we get to live right now. About making this the best life we have. It’s about accepting this bad, this negative truth is REAL. Our time on this planet is short and precious. Don’t waste this time waiting for life to return to normal before you start dreaming and planning and working towards a future. In changing the world into the one you want. The one we all deserve.

Right now we’re all coping, we’re all finding ways to survive. We’re living in a weird limbo where time doesn’t matter and yet everything is happening at once. We feel immobilized and in some ways we are. But in so many others were aren’t. We have TIME. We can use that time to refocus, refine and plan out a new path for ourselves.

So instead of acting like your life has been set on hold, use this time to reinvent you. To clear the cobwebs out of your life that you never had time to do before. We’re not on hold, we’re gearing up for greater things. We’re the truth so we can move forward into a brighter future where there are no more lies and pretense. Use this time to start the project you’ve always wanted. Use this time to plan out how you’re going to live that life you’re missing so much. A lot has been taken from us, but we’ve been given a gift. We’ve been given the gift of time. Use it wisely.

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August 22

Struggling into the Spotlight

Writers are by nature solitary creatures. We live within the fantasies of our minds, making friends with imaginary people. Existing in a world you’ll never see. It is what makes us what we are. We are Gods inside our own worlds, worlds in which we can spend decades, alone and never lonely, because we are surrounded by the people inside of our minds.

It is our solitude, our separation from this world that allows us to create with utter abandon in the landscape of our mind. It is something we are applauded for, something we are encouraged to nurture so we can bring to life worlds that only exist inside of us. It is what makes us writers, uniquely capable of sculpting worlds.

And then you write your first book – or fortieth – and are ready to take that next step. A step back into the mortal world to share the fruits of your creation, this world that you have sacrificed a social life for, that you have breathed and dreamed for months or even years and you find this solitude and isolated life is your enemy.

All you want to do is share your story, introduce this world to your world. But how? You are a writer, not a performer, the limelight does not call to you. You want to share but how do you turn the spot light onto yourself when your entire life has been lived in the shadows of your dreams?

This is the question I ask myself. I’ve been writing for over thirty years. I’m a naturally shy person, more comfortable on the edges of a crowd then standing in the center ring. And yet…I need to step out of the shadows so I can give the final breath of life to my characters, to these stories that have consumed my waking and dreaming mind for decades.

How? How do I change the innate structure of my being so the world can read what I have written? How do I make you read my words when I’m afraid to look you in the eye?

And thus is the challenge of the writer…At least, this writer.

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June 4

The World is Burning

The world is burning. The world is burning. I say these words over and over again. They are the only words I can think. The only words that come to mind. The world is burning and still the violence spreads. A violence born of so much pain, decades, centuries worth of pain.

The world is burning. OUR world is burning. Brothers and sisters stand against the dark, protesting into the void, their voices never heard. Screaming, screaming to be heard.

Our world is burning…

Listen to them, listen to them. Why can’t you hear them?

Masked with silence, muted no matter how loud they scream.

The gag is ripped away and still they somehow can’t seem to hear the screams and so my world is burning. My sisters and brothers of the human race are screaming, bleeding, dying, demanding only humanity. Citizens and friends, tired of being silenced and forgotten scream. And the screaming turns to violence, to anger fueled by fear and centuries of enforced silence.

They are screaming. The world is burning. My world is burning. OUR World is burning.

My world is burning, my world is bleeding. Listen to them. Them…they…we…

Us.

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May 20

The “Perfect” Hero

Oh, my God am I tired of the “perfect” man in romance books. Ok. First off there are many – MANY – romance writers who do not fall into this trope and to them I say, “thank you”. But there are also MANY who willfully embrace this “perfect” hero. There’s also the asshole, misogynistic hero that I hate as well. This hero came into popularity in the 70’s and 80’s and has NO place in modern romance or in the real world.

Secondly I would like to again point out I write romance and my heroes are pretty damned perfect in my eyes; as long as that perfect includes some physical imperfections, emotional scars -lots of emotional scars – and some personality flaws they have to work through. They are also not always the BEST at everything. It’s important for every writer, no matter what genre, to sculpt a character that is well rounded and real (even if they are angels, demons or Other). That means they will fail sometimes, the will piss off the heroine and sometimes the reader. They will make mistakes and overall not be an unrealistic He-Man without a single imperfection.

NOTE: a single manly scar does not count as an imperfection people!

Third: Now this is what I mean about the “perfect” hero and why it’s so annoying to me: He’s always an alpha male. ALWAYS. He’s never a strong Beta or anything else. He’s always the leader of his people, the prince, the king, the boss, the CEO. He’s always wealthy, successful and most of the times a spoiled dick who “knows what he wants”. He’s always the most desirable man to all women and his sexual prowess is never questioned and his confidence never shaken. He’s always freaking tall and a body builder without having made any effort. He’s always the smartest and strongest. And here’s where “perfect” turns into misogynist: he always takes that massive Confidence and bull dozes his way over our dainty “perfect”, virginal heroine. In many cases he pushes her into sex before she is ready because he’s the “experienced “ older lover and “knows what she wants” before she does. No buddy you don’t know what she wants, you basically guilted, bullied and raped an innocent woman. – Sorry, sorry, went on a tangent right then.

I’m so tired of that alpha male entitled bullshit in books, especially in the romance genre. And thankfully, I’m starting to see some writers who are discarding that stereotypical “perfect” guy for more realistic men. It’s still a mainstay in many genres across the board. You see it in movies and TV shows as well. I want to see real heroes – I know these are fantasy and therefore will always have an unreality to them – but I want to see real, flawed heroes that I WANT to fall in love with.

This doesn’t mean you can’t have a six foot plus gorgeous Demi-god for a hero. But mess him up a little. Give him some insecurities so we see that a lot of his bravado is from the very real and human emotion of doubt and uncertainty. Do you know why we love the “bad boy” in our fiction? Because he has room to evolve into a better being. You bring me Lucifer and show me just the hint of honor inside of him and I will root for him every day. Because it makes him real.

Two authors who I feel do a very good job of humanizing their heroes are Sherrilyn Kenyon and Suzanne Brockmann. Sherrilyn Kenyon always gives her heroes deep emotional traumas that they have to overcome by the end of their story. They evolve and smooth away those sharp edges. No matter how powerful or beautiful they are, they are imperfect and have to grow to reach their happy ever after. Suzanne Brockmann writes romantic military thrillers, about Navy SEALs and other branches of the military. Her heroes are the Alpha of the Alpha and yet she manages to humanize them. To give them flaws, to shake their confidence and evolve them.

I’m tired of cardboard cut outs of heroes that have hot bodies and money. Give me a real man. Throw some age on him, add some emotional scars. He doesn’t have to be stronger than everyone else, make him just fight harder for what he wants. Make him respect the heroine and earn his place in her heart. Please, give him a few flaws and an evolutionary story arc.

And fourth: my heroes are perfect to me. They are my fantasies, some of which I’d definitely do (wink wink). All of them I love. They have their flaws and imperfections and they are hot to me.

Mordecai is powerful, all brute strength and ferocious. He’s also annoyingly stubborn, and only physically beautiful to who AG who can look past the harshness of his features to the warmth in his eyes. He’s not the leader, but a good second in command. He’s strong enough to take what he wants but for AG he’ll ask. He loves dogs and dislikes humans.

Gideon is a little goodie-two-shoes, too obedient to authority and doesn’t always think for himself. He’s absolutely gorgeous but he lets his fear of failure keep him from what he really wants and from true happiness.

Shatter is a traumatized, wounded animal. Abandoned, abused, bringing him to happy ever after is a journey away.

Nomad is an asshole. He’s rude, crude and makes me swear a LOT when I write about him. He’s stubborn, opinionated and loyal as hell. He has no qualms about killing someone but will fight to protect what is his and for those he calls friend. He’s got a lot of rough edges he needs to polish away.

Errant is under six foot and a demon; Talis is in denial and afraid; Micah is suicidal and lost; L is spoiled and a bully, but also filled with love and longing to be accepted; Sham…well Sham is bat-shit crazy and that’s a lot to explain in a single sentence. My point is they are all imperfect and perfect. They are as real as I can make them.

And that is what I want to see. I want characters to be more than the hangers an adventure is draped over. I want to see hurt and anger, flaws and failure before they reach happy ever after.
Until next time,
L

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May 6

“Different” from the other girls

I write romance. Proudly. Not something I could have said a few years ago and not worried what people think. The truth is the romance and fantasy genres of fiction is the red headed step child. Everyone loves to read us but no one likes to admit it. We’re anything but “literary” and considered the junkiest junk food. When you say you read or write romance it’s like confessing you watch soaps or Lifetime. It’s a guilty pleasure and not taken that serious by most. Just my luck I write romantic fantasy. Talk about double whammy.

But I digress. I mention my genre because there is something I can’t stand in a lot of fiction, doesn’t matter what genre, though romance is one of the worst culprits when it comes to this. It’s the “different from the other girls” or “she wasn’t like the other girls” heroine. Seriously does every freaking heroine have to be awkward and shy? Unaware of her natural beauty while having a killer body and model worthy looks? Does she have to like to “hang with the guys” and despise or at least not understand being pampered? Why can’t a heroine be cocky and bold, knowing she’s hot? Or ugly and not giving a f&@k? Why can’t she like having her nails and makeup done and pamper the shit out of herself? Why does that automatically make her less? The Romance genre could be feminist gold and yet I find it keeps circling around to the old tropes of how to make her attractive to men. So she can’t be emotional and high maintenance, she can’t be truly shy (to the point of agoraphobic) instead she coyly awkward but not really shy. Why can’t she be the dominant in the relationship or short or tall or fat or skinny? Why can’t she hate sports and hiking? And why can’t she go hiking with a full manicure and makeup on?

Believe me that last one isn’t unrealistic. I did a three day back country hike up the coast of California with a full set of acrylic nails. Not only was I feeling pretty they came in damned handy every time I had to open that damned bear canister. Don’t believe me? I’m including a picture of me camping with acrylic nails in all their pink glory. Oh, and fat girls can love hiking. I’m more than fluffy and I love hiking and camping. I also love food and facials and mud baths and I’m a big dork.

*Me on Lost Coast in Northern California 2016 – fluffy with a full set of acrylic pink nails*

My point is: make your heroines real. That means they can be a bitch when they are having their periods. They can NOT want to have kids. They cannot WAIT to have kids. They can want a career over anything else and still find love without giving everything up. It’s time to evolve our heroines and our heroes. Give your heroines some real traits, give your heroes some freaking flaws. And if you want a hot hero and hot heroine go for it, this is your fantasy, but give them depth of character too, make his teeth crooked or make him stink after Playing basketball, don’t have him just smell all manly and musky. Believe me, no matter how hot the dude, he gonna stink after sweating for a while. Fresh sweat isn’t bad, but let that sit after a few hours and your awkward little heroine is going to run for her life.

So write honestly and write passionately. Romance is alive and well and beautiful, but add some new angles to it.

Now before you read some of my work and call me out as a hypocrite let me say:

AG is ballsy and doesn’t take shit from anyone. She’s hot but doesn’t have any boobs to speak of and can be short tempered.

Faith is hot, but she’s also plump, with big boobs that do not lend themselves to grand adventures. She isn’t shy either. She’s sexually bold and asks for what she wants.

Becca is plain. But to Nomad she is astonishingly beautiful because he sees her soul. The rest of the world sees a shy, glasses wearing mouse because she really IS a shy glasses wearing mouse. She is scared of the dark, traumatized and doesn’t believe in herself. She has to learn to embrace her power. She’ll do that on her own with or without her Downcast Angel.

Ruth is over 40 with a full grown daughter; Haley is not just plump but downright fluffy; M is bold, demanding, bisexual and confident. They vary in temperament and in looks. To the world they may not appear unique or “special” but to their angels, demons or other, they are perfect. I believe in romance and happy ever after, but only if they put in the work. Which means he’s not perfect and she’s not perfect. Just like in real life – If real life had immortal angels, a few demons and an Other or two.

Well until next time, that was my two cents!

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April 29

Writing a Series is hard….

Writing a series is hard. And not just in the planning and maintaining continuity. Not just in the developing of characters and story arcs over multiple books. It’s hard in the day to day. But what I find very hard is not spilling my guts about each new story I’m working on.

I mean right now I’m working on book 4 of my ShadowGate series, yet I’m marketing book 1. So I can’t just go hey everyone guess what? And throw out all these details about the book I’m working on without giving away plot points for the three preceding books. Can you even imagine how frustrating that is? I want to tell the world all about this story I’m writing but I can’t because they have three books to go before I can say a damned thing!

Series are HARD!!!

I want to tell everyone about this story, I want to write articles about it and post in my blog but I can’t say a single word. Ok, yeah, sure I could be really vague and be like, “I’m writing a story about two persons and it’s in the ShadowGate world”, but that’s basically it. So frustrating! I’m just sitting at home screaming into a pillow because I want to give away ALL the spoilers.

And you know what’s even worse????? Knowing the whole f@$king history of my series and universe and not able to say a freaking word because I have to wait for it to be revealed in proper order!!! OMG I’m dying with all these spoilers!!!

At least once book 1, Angel’s Gate, is officially released I can start talking about book 2, Guardian Angel. True I can’t give away too many details, because again, have to wait for people to read it and it’s release date isn’t until end of 2021, but at least I’ll be able to release some of the Character Profiles and talk about the process.

But that means I won’t be able to give ANY details about book 3, Angel Child, until AFTER Guardian Angel is released and that means I’ll have to wait until 2023 to tell you ANYTHING about Cerviel and Micah!!!

UGH!!!!!

I just want to tell you everything! I want to tell you all about Shamshiel and Shatter and Talis and Cerviel and Micah and Nomad and Becca and Faith and Gideon and and and and….See there’s just so much I want to tell you!!!

But I’ll be good and wait. I’ll talk about Angel’s Gate, promote and wait for you to read it before we can talk about everyone else.

But….I can maybe say a little something right now, like just a tease right? Angel’s Gate is available for pre-sale RIGHT now, so you can read it and get all the details. Guardian Angel…want a little hint? You’ll meet Lucifer in this one.

And Angel Child? Take one angel love child, one Angelic Assassin, add lots of demons and you’ll get an interesting cross country road trip. What? Did you expect me to give away everything? Ok, I’ll give you one more taste:

“Now he was driving a stolen truck, praying his Grace would come back before something REALLY bad happened. Like maybe Armageddon or a plague of frogs or Starbucks ran out of Pumpkin Spice and the basic bitches of the world united in their outrage for the weirdest zombie apocalypse he could think of.

SPICE, PUMPKIN SPICE…he could just picture them in their sweaters and Uggs and yoga pants…

“Pumpkin spice?” Becca asked him abruptly, the confusion in her voice seeming to trump even her copious amounts of fear. “What the hell is a pumpkin spice zombie?”

Nomad nearly drove them off the road when he realized she’d just read his mind.” – Angel Child coming 2022

And now for the one I’m dying to tell you about….Sanctuary. All I’m going to say is it’s a love story. Sorry, I’m not saying anything else…

Between angels!

Really, not saying anything else….

So….until next time,

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April 15

The Final Battle

Not all villains are obvious. Sometimes they are inside us, lying in wait. Sometimes they hide right behind the eyes of the ones we love most.

To say I was innocent would not have been a lie, but to say I was blameless would be. By choice I trusted, by choice I let myself believe. By choice I am here, perhaps I was always meant to be. The villain did not lurk inside my soul, but I am the one who let her in.

She was supposed to love me, she was supposed to protect me. She did not. Now we stand, enemies when once we were sisters, enemies, my truth and duty against her hate. There will be no winner here this day, just an end to this endless war.

Line in the sand, the battle is at hand. I am prepared, with charms and shield to face my foe. When night falls, if I am still alive, the war will be done. Around my neck is an amulet of who I am today so I will remember as I face my past and the villain I have created.

I am a coward and so afraid, yet I faced the dragons that she unleashed on me. I trembled inside, wanted to weep and run, but held my ground. Truth is not a shield or a sword, but it is right and though I may not have won, my soul remains bright, remains mine. The battle is done, this coward stood her ground, spoke the truth and did not run. The final battle has been fought, I am done, but not broken, I stood and the dragons without anger, malice or hate. I faced them with truth and love and someday perhaps I will face her with forgiveness and not just pity.

The battle is done, the war is won, I am done and can set aside my shields to finally embrace peace.

The end

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